You'd think that after three years of hearing, sounds would no longer be an issue. They are. I still experience sound overload, and being overwhelmed. I still treasure silence, and the solitude of my own world. I don't want to go back and live there 24/7; but, I definitely crave it on occassion.
Certain circumstances or environments cause me to realize things about myself...I don't always want to hear everything...even if it's precious, priceless, and best that I do. I don't always want to focus on lipreading, amid tons of background noise, in order to hear what someone is saying. I don't always want to work to listen.
When I get like this, I wonder what's going on with me. How could I even think/feel this way? I've been given a miracle...sieze every moment! And, usually, it's a few hours, or even a day or two, that I realize I'm tired...run down...stressed...immune system is low, and on the verge of contracting some cold/flu/virus. Sometimes, it's the grief of my father's death that rises unexpectedly to the surface. Often, it's all of the above, snowballed into one.
The other day, I was in a small-town parade (Murrieta, population 135,000 = small, right?). It was November 11th, Veteran's Day. It was an honor to walk in the parade, and give tribute to those who have served, and are serving, me and the whole world. As I was standing in line, waiting for our time to begin marching, I really couldn't tell what all I was hearing. There were so many sounds, and maybe it was merely all the people talking and laughing, maybe there were bands practicing, maybe there were radios on, children chanting and singing in order to pass their time away, I don't know; but, it felt like I was immersed in a very uncomfortable, swirling, "there's no place like home" oblivion. I wanted out. And yet, I didn't. I wanted to give honor and tribute more than I wanted my silence.
I stayed. I marched. I applauded. I loved it. But, the overwhelming feeling would not subside. I needed a place of refuge, peace, and solitaire. Turns out, the day hit a soft spot concerning my dad, I was definitely stressed over a particular client, and I caught a bad cold that put me in bed for a couple of days...very different kind of solitude than I had in mind.
Wonder if I've learned anything from this experience. Guess I'll find out when the next episode rolls around...
